CRAIGADAMUS 1: School O’Bamatude

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[this post inaugurates a new series where CRAIGADAMUS predicts the future of poetry in 2009 and beyond]

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Elizabeth Alexander will inaugurate a new movement of poetry called the School O’Bamatude. School O’Bamatude poets will win all awards and prizes, finally overthrowing The School O’Quietude. Seth Abramson will be jealous that I named the new movement, even though I don’t know what ‘aesthetics’ mean. With fierce logic, Seth will try to be original by re-naming the School O’Bamatude as ‘Behavioral-Historical-Patriotic-Structural Poetry’. Seth will use Joshua Beckman as an example of this poetry.

Graywolf will have to be bailed out by the Federal Government because they invested all their money in making a million chapbooks of Alexander’s poem, which no one will buy. Alexander will cry realizing that people will not remember her poem, but everyone will remember: “[when] black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead man, and when white will embrace what is right.”

Kenneth Goldsmith and Kent Johnson will have their tear ducts replenished after they wept during the entirety of Alexander’s poem because they realized that they will never be asked to be inaugural poets.

Goldsmith will dream tonight that he is the inaugural poet: he will be wearing his hat with a sparkly bow twice the size of Aretha Franklin’s bow and he will recite a transcript of the CNN coverage of the Inauguration. He will wake up from this dream screaming “Graywolf! Uncreative! Money Power and Fame!”

Kent Johnson will not dream tonight because he will not sleep. He will realize that the inaugural poet will now forever be racialized as an African American woman. He will feverishly study poetry by African American women and he will write a book mimicking the style and subject of African American women. His book will be titled “Lyric Poetry After Amistad”. He will publish this book under the name “Kentrina Johnson”. The book will be hailed as the best School O’Bamatude Book of the year. It will win the National Book Award and The Pulitzer. Although this should make Kent happy, he will be jealous that Ben Lerner will win the Nobel (in Science) for his new book titled “The Copenhagen Interpretation”. However, Kent’s dreams will come true when Obama announces that “Kentrina Johnson” will be his inaugural poet for his second term. Kent will attend the event in Black Face, wig, and body suit to read his Praise Song. The hoax will never be discovered.

Ron Silliman will link to this post.

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9 thoughts on “CRAIGADAMUS 1: School O’Bamatude

  1. Craigadamus,

    Look forward to seeing whether your predictions truly come true.

    Of course, all predictions should be written in rhymed quatrains. It adds to their mystery.

  2. rhymed and metered quatrains, i say.

    too f*ckin much! but i second yr prediction about kentrina johnson and propagating the hoax. oh, a good read since we are on the topic of hoaxes is that doubled flowering book. you know the one………. !

  3. Craig[odamus],

    Just thought I’d repost here something I put at the Harriet blog. See you in D.C.!

    Kent
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    The terrific poet Craig Perez (aka csperez–I think his book is still Numero Uno on the SPD list) today predicts that both Kenny Goldsmith and I will be chosen by President Obama as his readers for the next inauguration, four years from today.

    He titles his divinatory post “Craigadamus 1: School O’Bamatude” and announces it to be the first of a series of apocalyptic predictions for the Poetry Field.

    It’s really quite funny (though I have no idea what the allusion to blackface has to do with Lyric Poetry after Auschwitz). Anyway, here it is: http://blindelephant.blogspot.com/

    I’ll be starting my poem tonight. And I will demand to go first, Jan. 20, 2013, as by the time Goldsmith would be done rhapsodizing from his conceptual reproduction of the entire Sunday NY Times, it’d be the evening of the 25th.

    I also want to know how Travis Nichols, in the recent issue of The Believer, could have gotten his characterization of Jack Spicer’s metaphysics so terribly wrong, but we’re talking about Elizabeth Alexander here, so I guess that’s neither here nor there.

    Kent

  4. terrific indeed! yeah the allusion to black face has nothing to do with Poetry after aushwitz, was just riffing on the title–hope you dont mind 😉

    and def you should go first-ha! and the organizers better make sure that Obama goes before Goldsmith or else he won’t be sworn in till 2014!

    the good thing about being the next inaugural poet is that after alexander, there are low expectations.

    as the proverbial teachers say: “Pick up your pencils. Begin”

    xo
    c

  5. So wait—did he? Link to it?!

    Mighty glad to see someone gleefully reinventing the predictive skewers which, to my knowledge, Behrle dropped in order to Gawk full-time.

    The word I am supposed to verify is “hineyee,” which sounds like it could be a kind of asshole?

  6. er. i dont know if he did. but if craigadamus predicted it, it must be so.

    what’s a Behrle?

    “hineyee” is what they called assholes during the ming dynasty.

    xo whoever you are 🙂

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